nimic special

Be what may be ‘cause it feels like the last breath!
I’m gonna take a big whiff down the road I’ve taken.
I’m gonna try that much harder to find the right path,
Cause it’s been too long since I’ve been broken.

There’s no hope for heroes in this forsaken place
There’s no sunny places where I can find a human trace
It’s been rocky times for ages and my soul is empty now
There’s no joy in mornings when the purpose is gone

So tired of playing hide and seek with circumstance
So sick of the shallow smiles of the vast mass
That’s slowly trying to devour my inner self
Wondering what’s left now of the child with such high hopes.

As the days go by and you’re drifting away,
Mirrors fail to show you the same
And when you’re finally decided to give it all up,
The hero inside you begins to show up.

You wake up amazed by the strength you’ve still got
And walk by each stranger as if it’s always been this way,
Admitting that sometimes you can also fall apart
Repeating to yourself, that sooner or later you’ll have to be okay.

Oare incotro?

Ma trezesc iarasi cu acel aritmic murmur in capul pieptului… Se intampla deja de ceva amar de vreme. Incotro ma indrept vertiginos? Ma incanta si ma intristeaza in acelasi timp singuratatea in care m-am refulat de prea mult timp. Individualista din mine vrea sa creada ca asa e cel mai bine. In situatii de criza ratiunea ma indeamna mereu sa ma tot caut si sa ma regasesc la infinit in propriile-mi trairi, framantari, ganduri, departe de parerile sau ajutorul din exterior… Si adevarul este ca de fiecare data ieseam grotesc de implinita si satisfacuta dupa depasirea oricarei ‘caderi’ in trecut, insa, nu acum! Nu-mi sunt suficienta acum pentru ca de aceasta data mi-am gresit mie insami. M-am tradat, mi-am compromis acea urma de constinta care ma tinea ferma pe pozitii mai tot timpul. Sunt sigura ca nu o sa mi-o pot iera niciodata… Imi era mult mai usor sa va iert pe voi, pentru ca stiam in adancul sufletului ca undeva in aceasta lume trebuie sa existe macar o persoana care sa-mi impartaseasca idealurile si de asta v-am cautat mereu scuze pentru anumite actiuni.
O parte din mine crede ca poate n-au fost suficiente lovituri sau lectii invatate, insa stiu ca nu aici e problema… Mi-e teama sa nu pierd singura persoana care mi-a fost alaturi in cele mai grele momente, dar cel mai teama imi e sa nu devin acel om caruia sa nu-i mai pese de nimeni si de nimic. Nu voiam decat sa aduc un strop de fericire in viata cuiva, un zambet sincer pe buzele celor care au suferit prea mult pe nedrept. Am uitat de mine… Am uitat ca nu-l poti ajuta pe cel care nu vrea sa fie ajutat…Am uitat ca prima persoana la care trebuia sa ma gandesc eram eu…
In vreme ce rationalul ma izoleaza de intrusiunile nedorite, emotionalul ma face slaba. Detest slabiciunea la mine! M-am obisnuit puternica…m-ati obisnuit puternica, fara sa simt nevoia vreunei interventii din partea cuiva…Si parca simt cum orice urma de putere ma lasa…simt ca nu ar trebui sa fiu singura tocmai acum. Nu-mi pot explica nevoia acuta de a impartasi (pana la urma) o traire negativa, din vreme ce mereu lucrurile au stat invers… Sper doar ca mi-a mai ramas un dram de forta interioara pentru a ma putea dedubla si a-mi resuscita propriul suflet. Doar atat…

dream a little dream of me!

There is a dream that keeps repeating itself lately... It’s a dream that I never want to wake up from… That’s the place in my mind where we’re happy each time we’re together... where you are able the see behind the blinding veil that’s been covering our eyes ever since you decided not to care. In my dreams I never have to wonder what if I’d acted differently, because you already know me…you already love me as much as I do…we sit around and talk about anything and nothing altogether…we don’t have to worry about the walls we’ve built so carefully over time…sometimes I lie in bed silently close to your chest only to hear your heartbeats and it feels like it’s all I need to keep me going… other times we’re running away as if, somehow, this would be the only way we could ever be together… Sometimes I just dream about all the things I imagined we’ve promised ourselves that we would do… In my dreams there are no rules on how you or I should behave, on how often I should look for you, because I never have to… you’re there because you want to, because I need you with my whole mind, body and soul… because only THERE you are able to see that we’re so right for each other on every possible level… and I’m happy…WE are HAPPY... This is why I hate waking up… In fact, I’m also afraid to go back to sleep only for fear of not finding you and loosing you again and again…and again, each time reality strikes…But still... let me have my little dream of us…at least for a little while longer, even though I know that the awakening will be more and more painful…

Findings...

I lost myself out in the cold and the darkness only to find myself into pieces. I picked them all up in discontent, repeatedly asking myself on how it all got to this. At the beginning of our journey we all imagine ourselves to become nothing but great in anything we do: on a professional or personal level. Of course we’re misled by the idea that we could do it anyhow… Even though at some point we’re warned that we might fail and that we need to fight in order to achieve it, we still need to face some storms on our own, in order to realize that. No matter how strong you are, you still get beaten, at least once in your life, by the odds. The only differential fact is based on the way we cope. This divides us by categories. Some of us struggle more to deal with a disappointment, some are crying their souls out to anyone ready to listen…some find comfort in all sorts of addictions to feel numb at least for a little while…some pretend to be happy, only to hide their weakness among their acquaintances…some find refuge in reading, painting, singing, writing (or any kind of hobby of whatsoever)…some are isolating themselves from the world….some just ignore anything and move on in a blink of an eye, only to realize later in life what a significant psychological impact has that disappointment had on their subconscious. Now, the funny thing is that some of us experience al these states of spirit approximately simultaneously or at least in short period of time. I’ve been through all of these phases…No one really truly cares to see you better…In fact, even those who appear to listen are secretly and involuntary judging. Friends seem to forget about the man you truly are. Acquaintances try to find their way through your weakened shield. No one and nothing can fix your problems but yourself! There’s only you with your chaotic puzzle that eventually needs to be put together in order to see the big picture…
I’d like to say I’ve overcome each and every difficulty, but the fact is that each day is a struggle…a struggle to find the inner self, a struggle to find the right path, to make the right choices, to be a better human being,…a struggle to find those things in life, or those people who can really make you happy, even for a little while… Oh, happiness, I’m still longing to find you… Oh, lost ME, I’m still trying to figure you out…

din colectia banalitati iritante cu tenta de greturi!

Din cand in cand mai apare cate o persoana in viata fiecaruia cu care nu trebuie dusa conversatia dincolo de limita salutului. I hate people who even though don't know wtf they're talkin' about, consider themselves smart and when you even try to have a well argumented opinion, they start offending. Dear friends, pot accepta pareri diferite, chiar si cand nu aveti habar despre ce vorbiti, dar asta nu inseamna ca trebuie sa fiu de acord cu prostiile voastre aberante si neargumentate! credeam ca omul a depasit stadiul de primata in care poate purta civilizat o discutie in contradictoriu, cu argumente, bineinteles!;)
E adevarat ca majoritatea termenilor/faptelor/dogmelor/trairilor pot crea pareri diferite in baza modului de receptare-perceptie a fiecaruia dintre noi. La randul ei receptarea tine de individ si de contextul sau informatiile deja acumulate in mod constient sau adanc inradacinate in subconstient. In fine, chiar si pentru cele mai simple rationamente, opinii sau preferinte exista un complex proces care le declanseaza. E normal sa existe pareri diferite. E normal sa porti discutii in contradictoriu, sa ai pareri, corecte sau nu... Ideea este ca, atunci cand se dezbate o problema, sa poti aduce argumente demonstrabile pentru sustinerea afirmatiilor. Iar cand nu esti de acord cu o persoana, chiar si dupa ce ai ascultat argumentele, mi se pare normal sa iti prezinti punctul de vedere la fel de civilizat (nu ca in situatii in care eu afirm ca in casa sunt 20 de grade...iti arat si termometrul, dar tu, tii ochii inchisi, nici la termometru nu te uiti si spui doar"nu!...te crezi mai destept" de parca ar fi un concurs stupid)... Brute egoiste putem fi toti...asta e cea mai simpla manifestare comportamentala!
N-am dreptul sa judec pe nimeni sau sa arat cu degetul si sa denigrez. De obicei imi place sa dezbat absolut orice discutie si apreciez cand interlocutorul imi aduce un argument mai bun, sau prezinta alt punct de vedere. Consider ca e un exercitiu bun pentru creieras si pentru suflet:)! Pana la urma e doar un schimb de pareri, informatii, impresii din care poate mai inveti cate ceva care-ti poate fi util candva. Daca ai nevoie de spectatori care sa te aplaude la fiecare prostie scoasa prin intermediul cavitatii bucale, iti poti cumpara un loc in circul politic, unde sigur te vei simti ca acasa! Unde mai incape atat infatuare nu pot sa-mi dau seama... once again: "Cu prostie, nesimtire si rautate inainte!"
Sper sa pot deslusi vreodata misterul din spatele "ochilor inchisi"...

hai sa...NU!!!

fuck your sayings! i'll make my own rules...si stii ceva?!? - nu!!! nu te voi calca in picioare doar pentru ca asa vei deveni un catelus credincios (ai deveni useless)...nu!! nu te voi iubi doar pentru ca tu sa ma iubesti inapoi, ci pentru simpul fapt ca imi gadila inima placut... nu! nu voi darama din ziduri doar pentru promisiunile desarte pe care nimeni nu si le poate respecta...nu!! nu te voi respecta doar pentru ca mi se impune, ci pentru ca ai castigat acest drept...nu! nu te voi desconsidera in prima instanta, ci iti voi asigura prezumtia nevinovatiei si te voi asculta pana in punctul in care imi vei demonstra ca nu mai meriti atentie (cel putin a mea...oricat de insignifianta ar fi)...nu! nu o sa te plac pentru 'éxtraordinarele' trasaturi fizice care devin monstruase dupa primele discutii...nu! nu voi socializa decat daca imi face placere!!!...nu! nu voi minti ca sunt un om mai bun doar ca sa ma placa un om mai slab (un om rational e mereu capabil sa accepte faptul ca toti suntem supusi esecului uneori--nimic mai simplu...da!we all mess things up sometimes, but don't fret!...nimic nu e ireparabil si irevocabil atata vreme cat macar se incearca o rezolvare)...nu! nu vreau perfectiune, ci doar ceea ce e aproximativ integrabil normelor mele...

- Pentru ca mi-e dor de vremea in care ascultam how you remind me....vreme cu mai putine griji si responsabilitati:)